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Fertility counselling

Updated: Apr 19, 2020


I had my first NHS fertility counselling session this week. The hour before the first appointment I felt nervous even though it was a remote appointment. I have a coaching background and, as a teacher, we frequently counsel students albeit without professional training. I knew I would be asked questions and be expected to talk so what was I nervous about? With hindsight, I can see it was a fear of actually articulating my feelings and admitting my vulnerability. I pride myself on being resilient and solution focused and whilst this has kept me going, I have not felt happy for some time. Here is what I learnt.

1. I need to appreciate that this is a stage in my life when I am vulnerable and there may not be another time in my life when I feel like this. My personal feelings have been exacerbated by the current climate and the fear and uncertainty of what else Covid 19 will bring. Feelings of uncertainty and fear are normal and I need to acknowledge that this is my reality at the moment. I don’t think family and friends fully realise the trauma of it all and maybe that’s because so few people actually talk about it. I should be feeling like this and I do need help and that’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Seeking support and help are a step in the right direction.


2. Rather than saying I feel devastated and heartbroken when my period arrives, I have not allowed myself to truly feel these emotions and have instead rushed into doing yoga or cleaning to distract myself. I need to acknowledge and accept these feelings and allow myself to cry or just sit and stare blankly. However, I also need to place a realistic time limit on these feelings e.g. one hour so they don’t overwhelm me. Previously, I had been placing a limit on worry but only 10 minutes which is ludicrous especially when my counsellor reminded me that my actual lessons are one hour long. I give a lot of time to others and not a lot of time to myself.



3. In my darkest moments, and if I’m honest, all the time recently, I feel like it is impossible for me to have children. I struggle to see a future with children in it and as I have these thoughts, I can feel the defences rise. This has resulted in me not feeling like me. I feel numb and I feel like I’m not living life essentially because I lack hope and I see triggers everywhere. I need to replace these extremes with balance. I shouldn’t be saying I can never have children. No one has said I can’t and I wouldn’t be put forward for IVF if I couldn’t. I shouldn't begrudge friends who got pregnant so easily and gave up nothing. That’s not the baby I want to have; I want to be strong and I want to be healthy. I need to remember the end goal is a family and everyone has different routes. I’m currently in a traffic jam and although I feel like I’ll never get there, I will. Who knows what the end goal will be or whether it will change but for now I’m still on the journey and I just need to be patient. My counsellor compared my journey to students at the start of their GCSE journey. Year 9 may feel they’re never going to get the grades they want but they are only at the start and I would never allow them to feel such despair so why do I allow myself?


4. Kindness is key. I’m kind to others but not to myself. Kindness doesn’t need to be a big gesture; it just needs to be something that makes me feel positive. It doesn’t have to be a doing thing as, for me, these are superficial acts and they act as a sticking plaster rather than healing me at the core. What makes me feel better? Sitting outside in the garden doing nothing, playing with the cat, sitting and staring out of the window. I think I just need to be still and allow my head to empty.


5. My counsellor also suggested saying a daily affirmation of: “There’s nothing different I can be doing today that will make any difference to the outcome.” I’m healthy. I’ve cut out caffeine and alcohol and greatly reduced sugary treats. I’m eating fertility boosting foods and having a whole array of fertility boosting vitamins. I have tried to take control over something I have no control over. This has left me feeling like I’m living a shell of a life as I have placed a lot of restrictions upon myself: not going out with friends (too many questions and assumptions if I don't drink), limiting exercise during the two week wait, no caffeine, no holidays to places where Zika virus is still a threat. As I write this, I'm suddenly aware that this all seems trivial but then I hear the voice of my counsellor - this is my reality and I can feel like this. Affirmations don't work for me but hearing her say this helped and has reminded me of balance and moderation. My counsellor also suggested I make the restrictions less rigid. She said, if I want a coffee, have a coffee; what difference will it really make? If it causes me more stress not to have something, I should have a cup or glass, enjoy it and that’s that. I need to find balance again.


6. Self care is not a habit so my counsellor suggested actually adding self care to my to do list (I’m very much a list person). Seeing it written has actually reminded me to do it and acted as a cue so hopefully self care becomes a habit. During lockdown, I now have time to reflect and make changes to my life so hopefully, when I return to work, I value self care as much as planning my lessons and taking care of staff and students.


7. She also suggested writing and it could be a single word or an emoji. I’ve only recently started this blog and it has helped me to process emotions and experience some kind of release. I can be honest in a way I feel I can’t be with friends and family and this allows me to untangle the big mess of knots and feel calm. This is really helping.

After the counselling session I felt calmer and I felt understood. She helped me to understand what my husband has been telling me for the past year: I need to be kind to myself and I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I am lucky because I am loved and I just need to love myself again. I’m aware that my past few blogs have been lists of different things to try and that has been my journey so far and I imagine the journey for many women about to embark on IVF. When you read fertility books, they always mention self care but it is hard to practise and everyone has to find their own way. I’m not there yet but I feel like I’m edging closer and that makes me happy. 😊




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